Johnette Napolitano: Queen of Awesome

Hi, this site is all about Johnette Napolitano, the REAL JOHNETTE NAPOLITANO. My name is Lauren and I can't stop thinking about Johnette Napolitano. (Ask my friends if you don't believe me.) This woman is cool, and by cool, I mean totally sweet.

Facts:

1. Johnette Napolitano is a mammal.
2. Johnette Napolitano sings ALL the time.
3. She is rumored to be the most awesome person to walk the planet since Jesus Christ. (I may or may not have started this rumor.)
4. She is best known as the lead singer/songwriter/bassist for Concrete Blonde.
5. Most people probably do not know who Johnette Napolitano is, and that's a shame because... well, she's awesome.
6. Johnette Napolitano is fortified with sex and provides 300% of the recommended minimum daily intake of sexiness. (Thanks to my bf John for this one.)

Q and A: What makes Johnette Napolitano so awesome?

I realize that some people are more sheltered than I, and to them it might not be self-evident how Johnette Napolitano is awesome. So, I will lay it out for you.

1. Johnette Napolitano SINGS. Her voice is very dynamic, capable of being soft and sweet, deep and depressing, loud and angry, and basically whatever else she wants it to be. But that's just the quality factor! She's also a very talented singer. In fact, she sings better than most people in the world; she is at approximately the level of Robert Plant. (If you don't find that fact alone impressive, there's no hope for you.) Also, her voice always has so much emotion, it makes everyone else sound very drab.

2. Johnette Napolitano writes. She writes lyrics and poetry. She also writes things that are poetic but really better described as "prose." She even writes music!

3. Johnette Napolitano plays bass, guitar, keyboards, percussion instruments, and who knows what else. If you've been paying attention, you now know that Johnette sings, writes music, and plays instruments. This makes her a one-woman music MACHINE!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. Because being gifted with words and music was just not enough for Johnette Napolitano, she also paints, sculpts, designs her album covers, and dances flamenco! I imagine she also does other artsy things, including sitting around radiating awesome.

5. Johnette Napolitano cares about the environment, animals, and various charitable causes. I would not object if she wanted to spend all her time focusing on herself, but NO, she is so much better than that! She also cares about lame fangirly college students, as evidenced by the fact that she replied to the fanmail I sent her.

6. Johnette Napolitano is beautiful. She also has sported an impressive array of hairstyles over the years, a couple of which I try in vain to imitate. Like other mammals, Johnette can be extremely kawaii OR flat-out gorgeous, as evidenced here, here, here, here (bottom center), here, here, and especially all over here. (Click them, you lazy bitch; I can't just steal pictures.) And, of course, the picture at the top of this page. Normally I'm pretty heterosexual, but I'm not going to finish this sentence.

Testimonial:
Johnette Napolitano is soooooooo awesome that I want to die. I can't even believe it sometimes, but like I said, it's actually self-evident. Unfortunately, most of the people I know are like bricks and they refuse to see how awesome Johnette Napolitano is (except for my male twin sister skittz, who is a fan). That's why I made this shrine, because I thought the world should know.

It's unfair, is what it is. Everyone else is like, "Hey Johnette, save some of the awesome for us," and Johnette is just like, "No."

Relevant Links:
JohnetteNapolitano.com
Concrete Blonde Official Website
Johnette Napolitano's MySpace
The FurubaWiki article I wrote on Johnette Napolitano, which is almost objective.

A Not-So-Relevant Link:
No-da.net (The rest of my website)